In part one of our session with Dr. Marty Klein, we learned the roadblocks to sexual satisfaction.

In part two of this session, we’ll explore how to develop sexual skills to help guide you and any partners to contentment in and out of the bedroom. 

Sexual Function Is a Means, Not an End 

An orgasm is not a good metric for sexual satisfaction. A bad sexual experience can still result in an orgasm, and a good sexual experience doesn’t necessarily need to end with orgasm. 

Sexual arousal starts with a message such a smell, touch or picture. That message is coded by a person’s brain, which sends a message down the spinal column to the pelvic nerves. Those nerves trigger the vascular system to dilate the blood vessels and increase arousal. 

Worry or anxiety act as noise in the system, garbling the message about a person’s arousal. This makes it hard for a body to respond wholly and can rob the joy of the experience. 

Reconnecting to Sexual Satisfaction 

Often people assume sex therapy starts with an immediate increase in the amount or type of sex couples have, but it’s more important to determine the cause of the sexual issue. What are the worries distorting the arousal message? 

People don’t stay away from sex they enjoy. They stay away from sex they don’t enjoy and is problematic in some way. Sexual function – i.e. better erections or better lubrication – won’t fix the core issue. A change in a person’s relationship to sexuality needs to take place. 

Dr. Klein uses an example of seasoning food. No one balks at the idea of putting salt on their food to enjoy it more. But the idea of changing a habit to make sex more enjoyable can be a mental roadblock. 

Sex requires a conversation about the things you each want to be doing. 

Deconstructing Social Norms

Fully accepting sexuality and enjoying sexual experiences can be challenging, especially when you consider cultural narratives around sex. 

Often people think sex has inherent meanings, and those cultural norms around sex are not adjustable. In American culture, many assume all desire is personal. A lack of desire means a lack of love. A lack of an erection means a lack of manliness. 

In reality, everyone can determine what sexuality means to them and their partnership. 

What is sex? Where do you fit in? 

Dr. Klein advocates for people to stop comparing themselves to some objective standards of sexuality. You can decide for yourself what is sexy rather than conforming to norms. 

A common narrative around sex is that it should be spontaneous and natural. TV and movies make it seem like the cultural norm is to be so overcome with desire you have to rush off and have sex immediately. 

But that’s not how adult sexuality works. People plan their lives around errands, work, family and pets, and sexuality can’t be an exception. If people don’t include sexuality as part of that comfortable routine, it’s less likely they are going to do it. Although planned sex doesn’t fit the cultural norm of “good sex,” each couple should define their own norms.  

For many people, acknowledging sexual satisfaction can be a liberating activity, opening doors for changes and acceptance in other parts of their lives. 

Developing Skills for Sexual Satisfaction

When couples seek intervention for sexual dissatisfaction, it’s often as a result of ignoring disappointment in the bedroom. 

People typically try these tactics to resolve sexual dissatisfaction: 

• Urging their partner to be sexier

• Using erection drugs

• Acquiring new positions or techniques

• Fantasizing during sex

• Using drugs or alcohol

• Masturbating before or after sex

• Planning a romantic getaway

• Having an affair 

• Getting into BDSM or toys

• Getting into swinging 

Many of these tactics, especially the last two, aren’t a solution to sexual dissatisfaction. Good and joyful communication about sex is more effective than any of these options. 

When healthy couples encounter difficulties, they figure out ways to enjoy being together in their new reality. For example, a couple may struggle to fill their time when their kids grow up and move away from home. Through collaborative negotiation, though, they can fill the loss of children in the home with volunteering at schools, adopting a pet, or possibly, having grandkids visit. 

The same goes for a sexual relationship. If one partner cannot do oral sex any longer and another values this act, collaborative negotiation can lead to a solution. If the partner who enjoys oral sex enjoys it for the intimacy, the couple can find other intimate acts to ramp up the relationship. 

A person needs to be willing to examine why they like an activity and talk to their partner about how to recreate those activities — whether it be a sexual act or a household chore. 

Experiencing Joyful Connections to Sex

It’s impossible to have this collaborative negotiation in a relationship without communication. And that includes talking clearly about sex. 

Conversation around sex needs to be clear. Using the correct terminology allows people to make sure they know what the other is talking about. 

Dr. Klein’s two most practical suggestions for improving sex are communication and self-acceptance. Together, those two tactics can help a person feel confident, desired and connected with their partner. 

Stay tuned for future sessions with more Sex Plus Symposium content. And if you need help dealing with sexual difficulties — or any challenges within your relationship — we’re here to help.