In part one of Dr. Ian Kerner’s Sex Plus Symposium session, we covered what it looks like to begin sex therapy and how to lay the ground work for building a healthy sexual relationship.

In part two, we explore the different elements of a sex script and why having one matters for a meaningful sexual experience.

Phases of a Sex Script

When sex scripts work, an individual or couple can lose themselves in arousal. Sex becomes like a familiar dance that doesn’t require thinking about the choreography. There are five different phases of a sex script, but each is held together with an erotic thread.

Desire

Each sex script begins with the embarkment, or better known as desire. Desire is caused by a sexual cue that sparks arousal. Highly reactive desire begins with excitors such as a visual, physical, psychogenic or internal spark. All it takes is a single encounter to become aroused.

For some, spontaneous desire may not be present and instead their sexual script requires deliberate desire or responsive desire. This requires the decision to become aroused and the arousal may need to simmer for a time.

Someone in the deliberate desire phase is more prone to environmental and situational inhibitors such as chores or feeling unsexual rather than the spontaneous excitors that initiate a sexual encounter.

Couples are often times in different frameworks with their sexual script. One partner may be more spontaneous while the other is more responsive. The first step is to identify which phase each partner is in before moving onto arousal.

Arousal

The first phase of arousal includes sensual arousal which consists of skin-to-skin contact from a touch or a massage. However, a sex scripts need to consist of more than just touch-based physical behaviors or they will lose the erotic life and become predictable.

Psychological or mind-based arousal is also very powerful. Arousal generated with the mind consists of things like dirty talk or a sext. The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin explores the power of mind-based arousal in an in-depth way and explores the fantasies we experience on a regular basis. 

There are two types of psychological arousal we can explore when building a sex script.

• Face-to-face: Sharing a fantasy, role playing a sexy scenario, engaging in sexual power dynamics

• Side-by-side: Consume erotic content together with reading aloud or watching ethical pornography together

Face-to-face can be difficult for some couples. It requires willingness, vulnerability and courage to overcome the shame often associated with sexual fantasies and role play. Beginning with side-by-side arousal can be a safer place to start to open the door for sharing fantasies.

The second phase of arousal leads to intercourse. It deepens the arousal with outercourse activities and psychogenic absorption. Jumping straight to intercourse too quickly without building arousal can lead to a dissatisfied partner.

Research has shown that approximately 90% of heterosexual couples engaged in full intercourse with vaginal penetration the last time they had sex, while only 35% of homosexual men engaged in full intercourse with anal penetration.

For heterosexual couples, this focus on intercourse is at the heart of the pleasure gap. Approximately 80% of women do not orgasm with intercourse alone and require both inter- and outercourse.

The homosexual couples that spent less time with intercourse spent the time with outercourse engaging in activities such as kissing, masturbation or oral sex. 

There can be any number of combinations per a sex script consisting of both inter- and outercourse. Remember, a person’s sex script is unique to them.

Entrainment

Once the arousal has built, the next phase of a sex script is entrainment, or getting in sexual sync with your partner. It’s all about rhythm and working together during intercourse.

This plateau phase of rhythmic entrainment leads to absorption allowing a person to “turn off” the outside world and “turn on” a sexual auto-pilot. This portion of the sex script should not be as complex as the arousal phase. It should be second nature and predictable to allow full engagement. This ultimately leads to orgasm.

Orgasm 

An orgasm is produced by a complex neurochemical release administered during a peak sensual trance and leads to sexual ecstasy. 

It can be experienced by one or both partners one or multiple times leading to a connectedness and expansion of self-other boundaries. Typically, this is the peak of the sexual experience, or the climax of your script.  

Aftercare

Sex isn’t over after orgasm. Sex leads to greater connectedness between partners, but it doesn’t simply end after one or both partners climax. 

Aftercare can include holding each other, reassuring, talking or simply being quiet and still with one another.

The Erotic Thread

The erotic thread shows up between all the phases of a sexual script. Allowing your erotic self to show up and create a moment is vital for a sexual experience. 

Why a Sex Script Matters

If one partner in a relationship is utilitarian and wants only their needs to be met by their partner, it is likely that neither partner will be satisfied.

Rushing into sex or a specific aspect of sex without taking the time to build up arousal between both partners can not only lead to dissatisfaction, but also feelings of anger or resentment from both sides.

Past traumas or other issues can create roadblocks and developing a sexual script together allows for sexual healing and a more meaningful sexual experience.

When building a sex script, the first half — including build up or the arousal phase — should be thicker and rich in psychogenic arousal. This includes novelty and predictability building excitement. It’s all about turning on each partner.

The second half should be leaner, or more narrow with less predictability. The familiar routines that are encoded in our brain should be accessible without having to think about it and gradually turning off.

A sexual script can seem rigid on the surface, but it’s important to have a guide in order to allow a meaningful and fulfilling sexual experience. 

To learn more about sexual scripts, check out Ian’s new book So Tell Me About the Last TimeYou Had Sex.