In the first part of our Sex Plus Symposium with Bill Taverner, we covered what sexual consent is and how it is determined in a relationship or sexual encounter.

In the second part of this session, we covered how that applies to practice between you and your committed partner and what a healthy relationship looks like.

Consent in Practice

An important consideration in consent is how it relates to an established, committed relationship. At times a spouse may feel the “obligation” to perform sexual acts with their partner because they’re in a committed relationship or marriage, when in reality they may not truly want to engage at that time.

Often in couples therapy, a couple in a committed relationship such as a marriage will seek guidance on what their obligation to their partner is. In these situations, the legal, black and white aspects of yes/no may not be as applicable. Something that does apply to sexual engagements between partners is enthusiastic consent.

Some of the previously discussed models touched on this aspect of consent. Enthusiastic consent can raise the bar between a previously established “yes” between you and your spouse and allow growth and discussion for where the desire is coming from.

The Enthusiastic Consent Wheel is a tool that can be used to uncover questions and scenarios that may arise in any given sexual encounter that can help you and your partner establish what your definition of consent may be. 

When initiating sex with your partner, they may verbally say yes, but how are they saying it? What is their body language telling you? These are things to consider within a healthy sexual relationship.

Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships are honest, equal, responsible and respectful. Take time to think about your own relationship and determine what parts of your relationship fit into each of these categories.

Honest

In an honest relationship, having transparency and an openness with your feelings with your partner is key. Feeling calm and relaxed with your partner makes a relationship authentic. 

Equal

Sharing responsibilities within your relationship help create an equal partnership. This can include simple things such as household chores or larger decisions, such as buying a home, that you make together.

Responsible

Having a responsible relationship means having accountability with your actions within the relationship. This can directly relate to honesty by honoring your commitments — big or small. Something such as infidelity betrays this responsibility and may require separate focus.

Respect

Respect can be attributed to all aspects of a healthy relationship. Being willing to listen to what your partner is saying and accepting their feelings is relevant to all other areas of a relationship.  Be open to receiving for your partner and expect them to do the same.

You can watch Bill’s full lecture on YouTube and to learn more about him, please visit the Sex Ed Lecture Series website.

Stay tuned for our upcoming lectures in December as we explore more topics on sex therapy from other experts in our field.