In part one of our Sex Plus Symposium session with Dr. Joe Kort, we explored the origins of male sexuality and sexual orientations.

A person’s sexuality is unique to them. 

Although there are definitions for different types of sexuality, there are caveats to be considered with each one. A person may identify as heterosexual and have a sexual experience with a person of the same gender.

Separately, a person may identify as bisexual and have sexual experiences with similar or different genders from how they identify which is not dissimilar from pansexuality.

Bisexuality

Bisexual orientation is seen as stable to both, two or more gender categories. It is a legitimate sexual orientation than can be dismissed in a binary world.

Bisexual people often have poorer mental health outcomes when compared to the binary buckets of heterosexual and homosexual people. A person who identifies as monosexual has only ever been with one gender in their sexual experiences.

Pansexuality

A pansexual individual is someone whose sexual orientation is that she or he has the potential to be sexually, romantically, or emotionally attracted to people of all gender identities and sexual orientations. 

Myths in Sexuality

Referring to a man who identifies as heterosexual and has sex with another man, there are often assumptions that this person should then identify as bisexual. That’s simply not the case.

There are some assumptions that go along with bisexuality that also simply aren’t true. Such as:

• Bisexual people are unable to commit

• Bisexuality is more common among women than men

• Not a real sexual orientation

The belief that bisexuals don’t exist and they are truly either gay or straight and cannot make up their minds is referred to as bi-erasure.

Bisexuality vs. Sexual Fluidity

According to Nikki Weiss-Goldstein and Jill Goldstein, co-producers of Sexual Fluidity: Love Without Labels, “bisexuality describes a constant and stable attraction to both men and women over time. With fluidity, however, the attractions to either men or women are very context-specific, often having to do with a specific time, person, or relationship.”

Sexuality is not always congruent with sexual identity, preference, behavior, fantasy, or orientation. 

Why Straight Men Have Sex With Other Men

In the past, this has been referred to as being on down low or the DL. This term comes from the HIV epidemic where men were having sex with other men and not identifying as gay. 

Straight men who have sex with men are not attracted to other males — they’re attracted to sex with other men. The other man is often irrelevant. It’s the sex act and the release that is the turn-on for a straight man. 

Men who have sex with men are mostly straight, bi-curious, hetero-emotional and homo-sexual, or are experiencing a trauma re-enactment. 

Some men have unmet developmental needs for mirroring and are dependent on external validation. They need the approval to feel sexually confident with their partner. This can include another male watching a man and his wife have sex and giving his approval. 

Men tend to be more transactional when hooking up with another man while women tend to be more relational in their sexual needs. This makes a sexual encounter with a male generally more accessible.

Another reason men may seek a same-sex sexual encounter is the desire for a BDSM or bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism experience. BDSM is less gender-relevant or gender-dependent for sexual psychology.

It focuses on sexual headspace, sexual psychology, and experiencing a sexual ego state. It’s all about power-play dynamics and the neuro-chemical experience which draws many straight men in. 

Straight Men vs. Gay or Bisexual Men

As mentioned in part one, there is the assumption and occasionally fear within a heterosexual couple that a male partner is now gay because of a sexual experience with another male. 

There are a few things to keep in mind to understand the difference between a straight and gay or bisexual male. 

One indication of being gay or bisexual is youthful noticing. This is being sexually attracted to other males at a young age. Straight men who have sex with other males do not have this type of same-gender noticing.

Not all straight men are also homophobic. They aren’t afraid of someone telling them that they’re gay, because they aren’t. They want to spend their time with a woman and see themselves with a woman. 

To learn more about Joe Kort, his many resources, and the groundbreaking contributions he’s made in providing sex education for male sexuality, please check out his website.

Our Sex Plus Symposium series covers tops on both male and female sexuality, in addition to couples and individual sex therapy. Catch up on all of our latest posts and see what our staff has to say about our speakers.