Too often, healthy conversations about sexuality are not happening in the home, schools or churches. The topic of sex is often projected in a negative manner that is engulfed with feelings of dirtiness, embarrassment and shame. 

Do you remember your early discussions regarding sex? Was it a healthy, positive discussion? Or did you experience negative messages or even silence on the topic?

Negative narratives and silence around sexuality have been proven to elicit shame within individuals. 

Reconcile Your Sexual Self

Many individuals encounter difficulty reconciling their sexual self with what they have been taught. Often, one uncovers an incongruence within personal beliefs and what they experience in marriage or other relationships.  

According to Brené Brown, shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It's an emotion that affects all of us and profoundly shapes the way we interact in the world.

Tina Schermer Sellers, PhD, has written Sex, GOD, and the Conservative Church which aims to untangle and heal shame from sexual self in congruence with spirituality. It also sheds light on navigating purity culture and negative messaging that often surrounds sexual desires. 

The book begins with a history of sexuality and Christian theology looking at different spiritual and cultural aspects that have influenced teachings and enabled avoidance of healthy sex education. 

The literature progresses into tangible interventions aimed to help individuals heal from sexual shame while integrating sex positive Gospel. Dr. Schermer Sellers gives attention to those within the Christian faith, but her work is not limited to that demographic. Untangling shame-based teachings of sexual functioning is relevant to all. 

Four Steps for Healing

It is important for an individual working through sexual shame to increase knowledge and understanding of sexual functioning and health. Dr. Schermer Sellers identifies four steps to help heal from religious sexual shame:

1. FRAME: Build a framework of sexual knowledge

2. CLAIM: Claim and celebrate your body

3. NAME: Name and share your story 

4. AIM: Aim to live your sexual legacy

Once this is a part of the foundation, learning how to accept and celebrate your body is an essential aspect that allows you to step into your own uniqueness and natural desire to be seen. Naming your story challenges the idea that sex should be a secret. Finding safety in naming and sharing your story can take time and should be done within safe, loving relationships. 

“Shame cannot live in the presence of love and starts to fade with the absence of judgement,” Dr. Schermer states.

For many, their sexual story has been told to them instead of being written by them. Within the fourth step is an opportunity for the individual to take control of their own intimacy. Discerning what legacy they want to live, how they want to talk and share with others, and deciding what it means to be a unique, sensual, and spiritual individual. 

In psychotherapy, it’s common that your therapist may give you something to read to broaden the understanding of a particular concern or symptom. This is referred to as bibliotherapy. 

Sex, GOD, and the Conservative Church is a helpful resource for therapists, pastors, teachers and individuals looking to learn more about untangling sexual shame. 

If you would like to learn more about untangling your own sexual shame, sex therapy could help. Contact us at Kimberly Keiser and Associates to schedule an appointment or ask for more information. We also offer group therapy focused on sex-positive Christianity.