Bridging the Gap in Desire
In part one of our session with Barry McCarthy, we covered different myths in sexuality, as well as, the different roles in sexuality and different treatments available.
In part two, we covered the balance of intimacy, pleasure, eroticisim and satisfaction. We’ll explore how to rebuild sexual attraction and how to establish the right sexual style for you.
Balance of Intimacy, Pleasure, Eroticisim and Satisfaction
Human sexuality is multidimensional. Many couples who come to sex therapy struggle with view of what they think sex “should” look like. There are many ways to foster sexual desire in a relationship. First and foremost, intimacy is not the only key to sexual desire. The key to a relationship is finding a balance between intimacy, pleasure, eroticism and satisfaction.
There are three different classifications of sexual relationships. A couple that has sex fewer than 10 times in a year, or less than once per month, is classified as a non-sexual relationship. A couple that has sex fewer than twice a month is classified as a low-sexual relationship.
The average couple that’s been in a relationship for more than two years generally has sex between 3-12 times a month.
When married couples split up — most commonly within the first five years of marriage — the main reason is sex.
“Good sex cannot save a bad marriage, but bad sex can destroy a good marriage”
One of the biggest causes for “bad sex” is issues with desire, but the important thing to keep in mind is that all sexual issues should be addressed.
To work on differences in desire, start by asking yourself, “when was intimacy, pleasure, eroticisim and satisfaction best in the relationship?” Work from there to get back to a healthy sexual relationship.
Rebuilding Sexual Attraction
Sexual attraction is a dynamic process between two people that ebbs and flows. Attraction is affected by many different factors. Physical attractiveness is only one factor, and certainly not the most important one.
Barry elaborates in his book, Sexual Attraction, on how turn-ons vary for each couple. There is no one body type that turns everyone on or a sexual technique that works for everyone. You can increase sexual attraction for each other and for each other.
Discussing attraction can be awkward. To work on your sexual attraction, start by telling your partner at least five things you find attractive about them, being as clear and specific as possible. Be honest in disclosing what you find attractive — physically, sexually and emotionally.
Then, pick one to three things you want them to change that would increase his attractiveness for you. Do not just state the problem. Make a specific request for change.
Two guidelines about requests:
Request things your partner can actually change. For example, if he is six feet tall, you can’t say you are attracted to men more than six feet five inches. You can suggest that he carry himself more positively by walking tall and forcefully.
Frame this as a “request,” not a “demand.” Your partner can agree, modify, or say no, and there will be no punishment or negative consequences. A healthy relationship is based on acceptance and a positive-influence process, not demands, ultimatums or threats.
A request connotes acceptance without a threat of negative consequences. A demand says, “I don’t accept you, and if you don’t agree to these changes, there will be negative consequences.” This is especially important in terms of sexual scenarios and techniques.
After discussing the process of maintaining and enhancing attraction from both in the couple, you can end the exercise or engage in touching, which could lead to intercourse.
What is the Right Couple Sexual Style for You?
Most people begin their relationship as a romantic love or passionate sex couple. This “honeymoon phase” or limerence lasts between six months and two years.
The challenge is to create a couple sexual style which will enhance your desire, pleasure, eroticism and satisfaction.
The challenge for couples is how to integrate intimacy into your relationship, and how to balance your “sexual voice” with being an intimate sexual team.
The four most common couple sexual styles (by order of frequency) are:
Complementary — mine and ours
Traditional — conflict-minimizing
Best Friend — soul-mate
Emotionally Expressive — fun and erotic
Keep in mind, there is not a “right” style which is best for all couples. Your couple sexual style is different than your relational style. Each partner needs to be aware of your preferences, feelings and values and choose the balance which enhances sexual desire and satisfaction.
Overcoming Discrepancies in Sexual Desire
The key component to overcoming discrepancies between you and your partner is to be open to your partner’s sexual scenarios. Barry provided two exercises that act as bridges to desire.
Sexual Dates
You set dates to go to a movie or go to dinner. What about sexual dates? Setting times for a sexual date does not need to be formal or awkward. It can be romantic and fun. A sexual date allows you to anticipate being sexual as you would anticipate a sporting event or a play.
Set the time, place and sexual scenario. Do it your way. Do not try to second-guess your partner or compare your way with theirs. Make the initiation as inviting as possible. Be creative in your invitations. If sexuality is to remain a vital part of your relationship, learn to be open to creating and crossing bridges to sexual desire.
It cannot be stressed enough that sex does not just spontaneously happen. It requires thought, planning, and setting aside a couple's time. Approximately 80% of sexual encounters are planned or semi-planned. Enjoy spontaneous sexual experiences when they do occur, but don’t fall into the trap of believing that spontaneous sex is more genuine than intentional sex.
Overcoming Discrepancies in Sexual Desire
If couples had to wait until both partners were equally desirous, frequency of sex would decrease by at least half. It is typical for one partner to desire and initiate sex more than the other.
What poisons sexual desire is anger about nonsexual issues and resentment over feeling sexually pressured. Under no circumstances is it acceptable to physically force or verbally coerce your partner to engage in sex. “Intimate coercion” has no place in your relationship. Sex is best when it is voluntary and pleasure oriented. Pressure and coercion lead to alienation and anger, and the ensuring resentment poisons sexual desire.
What can you do when one wants to have intercourse and the other does not?
This exercise uses the “yes/no” technique to deal with desire discrepancy. Each partner has to say “no” at least once. The focus is on expanding what is acceptable when there is a desire discrepancy.
The quality of the intimate experience is more important than frequency of intercourse. Sexual intimacy is reinforced by caring about each other’s feelings and sharing pleasure rather than perceiving sex as a goal-oriented power play.
This exercise requires a number of cycles rather than one structured experience. Each person will have several opportunities to ask for and initiate activities you enjoy. Being aware your partner may say no allows you to practice negotiating sensual and sexual alternatives.
A common male trap is using sex to meet nonsexual needs. Sharing feelings is a better way to deal with sadness than having intercourse. Celebrating a merit bonus with couple friends can make more sense than using sex as a reward when your partner is not feeling sexual.
Sexual bridges are meant to encourage pleasure and intimacy. Couple sexuality is subverted when sexual initiations carry negative emotions and compulsive sex demands. Sex is good, but not when it’s at the expense of your partner or relationship.
Learn more about Barry’s work from our past experiences with his work and how our staff can assist you and your partner with bridging the gap between your sexual desires. Be sure to check out part one of our training with Barry, and stay tuned for upcoming sessions and find more information about the Sex Plus Symposium here.