Exploring Male Sexual Fluidity
Dr. Joe Kort, Ph.D., LMSW, joined us to explore the topic of sexual fluidity during our recent Sex Plus Symposium session.
Dr. Kort is a psychotherapist and the clinical director and founder of The Center for Relationship and Sexual Health in Royal Oak, Michigan. He is a board-certified clinical sexologist, author of four books, lecturer, and facilitator of therapeutic workshops.
Throughout his 36 years of private practice, he utilizes varying therapy modalities to help hundreds of individuals and couples improve their lives and strengthen their relationships.
Dr. Kort is in his third season of “Smart Sex, Smart Love”, a podcast series featuring a variety of topics — from sexual health issues to parenting conflicts, men’s health, sexuality as you age, marital problems, dating today, transgender concerns, kink, and much more. Dr. Kort also provides groundbreaking education on male sexual fluidity through a variety of resources, including his site Straight Guise.
Historically, no one wants to talk about straight men having sex with other men. It’s too taboo. One of the most common areas we see sexual fluidity, though, is within heterosexual relationships with one straight spouse and one non-straight spouse.
Growing Up Male
“Boys everywhere have a need for rituals, marking their passage to manhood. If society does not provide them, they will inevitably invent their own.”
Women have both a physical experience as they transition from girlhood to womanhood and typically, an adult female to assist them in moving through this phase.
Historically, males experience similar physical changes and experiences without anyone talking to them about these things. Without knowing what it means to be male and understand masculinity, they may feel lost.
During male teen years, they are inundated with pressure to “get laid” and are bombarded with sexual images through television, advertising, and pornography without having the sexual education for proper expectations and reality.
Our society stops touching boys at a younger age than girls and teaches boys to avoid touching each other while girls have permission to be more affectionate with one another.
There is a lot of stigma surrounding male touch. Men fear being labeled sexually inappropriate by women and straight men fear being labeled as gay for their actions.
Men are afraid to risk their status as macho or authoritative by being physically gentle or “soft.”
Toxic Masculinity
From a young age, men are taught how they “should” behave in four main areas: sex, violence, work, and sports. They are taught to suppress their emotions and that it’s okay to be violent in order to be a man.
Today, adult males are expected to “catch up” to women emotionally in society, but there’s nothing being done to accept males where they are due to how they were brought up in society.
This does not mean women should accept violence or aggressive behavior. It’s establishing an understanding of where things come from. It’s not a case of men not having emotions at all; it’s more that men aren’t taught how to express emotions relationally.
Patriarchy Defined
Patriarchy is defined as the predominance of men in positions of power and influence in society, with cultural values and norms being seen as favoring men.
The patriarchy is often acknowledged for being hurtful to women, but we also need to acknowledge that it also hurts some men who are not favored.
Girls can go through a period of being a “tomboy” throughout their life, but boys are not allowed to be “sissies” — at all.
We often talk about misogyny from the male perspective but rarely talk about misandry which is the female equivalent. As a result, microaggressions against men are often overlooked.
Sweeping Generalizations
Sexual fluidity basically means you have the capacity to engage in a sexual act and connection with someone of the gender you wouldn’t normally be with.
This does not mean your sexuality is changing. It simply means sexual interest in a specific person has changed at a specific time or place.
The most important thing to remember in any discussion of sexuality is that no two people are exactly the same.
Generally speaking, there are two orientations, but in male sexual fluidity, there are a variety of healthy sexual experiences. There could be a straight man who has sex with a gay man, a gay man who has sex with women, or a bi-sexual male who’s mostly attracted to women sexually, but occasionally experiences sexual feelings for a male.
Sexual Orientation
Sexual orientation determines who you are attracted to sexually. It could be men, women, neither, both, or those who are gender-fluid.
Erotic Orientation
Erotic orientation refers to the things that turn you on or bring you to orgasm. Often, these include things that are not consistent with your sexual orientation or your own gender identity.
Not everything we eroticize comes from somewhere. Some people discover their early attraction or eroticism during childhood. Sometimes, it’s already a pre-disposed disposition.
Definition of Male Sexual Health
The term “healthy sexuality” implies that there is also unhealthy sexuality. This becomes complicated when trying to determine how behavior is decided as healthy or unhealthy.
Sexual health frees people to feel what’s best for them. It is different for every person and can change over a lifetime. This is known as an erotic evolution.
Sexuality evolves over time but doesn’t necessarily progress over time. Engaging in one type of sexual act, like masturbation while watching porn, does not mean a person will progress to violent porn or rape.
In part two of our session on male sexuality with Dr. Kort, we dig deeper into the different types of sexuality and explore more about straight men who have sex with other men.