Misconceptions and Impact of Mother-Son Incest

Continuing our Sex+ Symposium, we learned from Hani Miletski, Ph.D., M.S.W., about the topic of mother-son incest. 

Hani has been listed in the Washingtonian as one of the top psychotherapists specializing in sexual issues, and she drew from her professional experience and training to explore the topic with our practice.  

Misconceptions About Mother-Son Incest

Back in 1977, it was reported that mother-son incest was the rarest form of incest. Forty-five years later, many – including many mental health providers – still believe this is a rare occurrence. 

The truth, however, is that societal misconceptions help us deny the existence of mother-son incest, which leads to underreporting and lack of recognition for victims. Hani believes mother-son incest is the most taboo form of incest, not because it is not happening, but because it is the worst sexual boundary violation we can imagine. 

Today, we’ll explore how those misconceptions inhibit treatment, the impact it has on victims and the characteristics of women who sexually offend against children. 

Defining Childhood Sexual Abuse

First and foremost, we need to identify what constitutes childhood sexual abuse. Any inappropriate intimacy or sexually-related contact between an adult and a child is abuse. Adults satisfying their own emotional, physical or sexual needs through interactions with children is abuse. 

Childhood sexual abuse isn’t intercourse alone.  

Behaviors ranging from improper attention to intercourse are all abuse — including things like bathing with the child into their teens, dressing and undressing in front of a teenage son, intruding on the adolescent child’s privacy in the shower or sleeping in the same bed and hugging the adolescent child during the night. 

Another type of abuse is treating a child as a “substitute spouse.” Hani explained that elevating children to be on par with an adult is harmful for childhood development. 

Some of these behaviors aren’t always abusive, bathing children or helping them change clothes are a part of parenting, however; when the child becomes uncomfortable by these behaviors and a parent continues, the act becomes abusive.

Roadblocks to Reporting

Mother-son incest often gets dismissed because of cultural expectations. 

Mothers are believed to be nurturing, loving and protective – it’s hard to imagine a mother harming their children. And whether for sexual crimes or not, men are often punished more seriously for their misconduct than women. Of those incarcerated for childhood sexual abuse, only 5% of offenders are women. 

Because the abuse is happening within the family, it can be seen as a normal occurrence to child victims. No one asks children about sleeping arrangements, nudity or bathing in their home, and mothers often accompany children to doctor’s appointments, where abuse could be discussed. 

Popular culture muddies the waters, as well, with coming-of-age stories depicting boys learning about sex in the arms of an older woman. Movies such as The Graduate, The Reader or The Last Picture Show — while not about incest — do glamorize the idea of boys being lucky to have sexual encounters with an older woman. This may lead to victims feeling confusion and embarrassment about the experience. 

Due to mother-son incest being largely underreported, men are not taught to express vulnerability or helplessness. They are not socialized to reveal doubts, weakness or fears, and they may feel responsible for what happened – especially if they felt pleasure during the abuse. 

Long-Term Impact

Because some victims fail to experience the abuse as traumatic or even a negative experience, men may struggle to admit their abuse. 

Despite that, mother-son incest is considered one of the most devastating forms of childhood sexual abuse. It has a dramatic negative impact on adult functioning, leading to long-term effects such as fear of intimacy, inability to commit to women, substance abuse, sexual dysfunction, depression, anger and self-harm. 

It’s important to assess risk factors because mother-son incest is believed to be uncommon and goes largely unreported. Those include asking about things like:  

●      Sleeping arrangements

●      Bathing practices

●      Nudity in the home

●      Lack of privacy

●      Inappropriate physical affection

●      Lack of independence for the child 

●      Relationships that are more like adult peers or partners than parent-child 

 As we mentioned, these behaviors are not a guarantee of childhood sexual abuse or mother-son incest, but if these actions are making the child uncomfortable, they are problematic. 

A Path to Healing

Although hard to reckon with, mother-son incest is more common than many believe. To learn more about this topic, please check out Hani’s book, Mother Son Incest: The Unthinkable Broken Taboo Persists. 

Our team at Kimberly Keiser and Associates is trained and ready to help work through the traumatic experience of mother-son incest.