The Monogamy Gap
In part one of our latest Sex Plus Symposium series about modern relationships, we covered open monogamy and polyamory. In this session, we’ll cover the gap in monogamy and the effects open relationships can have on your current relationship.
There are many different reasons why it may be hard to have a successful open relationship in any capacity.
Oftentimes, couples disagree on what they want. There may be one partner wanting to pursue these options and another who is less comfortable with it, which creates confusion about the openness within their monogamy.
At the root, this is caused by a lack of communication, lack of education, or fear of change and can lead to conflict, resentment, and separation.
Being on a different page from your partner can also create a liminal space between the two of you.
Liminal Relationships
Liminal beings are those that cannot easily be placed in a single category of existence. They represent and highlight the semi-autonomous boundaries of the social world.
This group of people may not be traditionally monogamous, but they also are not single.
Are you in a marriage or not? Are you together or not? It’s both and it’s neither which can be confusing without the correct boundaries within a relationship.
Everyone wants a balance of freedom and commitment. They want the freedom to grow and explore. Communication is key to sorting out what aspects of an open relationship your partner is looking for.
We can close the monogamy gap by understanding — not by doing. Before any actions are taken, explore the curiosity and fantasy.
Some questions to ask yourself:
Am I emotionally flexible?
Can I reach out for support when I need it?
Can I be fair?
Do I play well with others?
Can I share?
Can I have a real conversation with my partner?
Am I patient?
Can I let go of possessiveness?
Do I handle jealousy well?
Can I be empathetic?
Do I communicate my feelings?
If you have these resilient skills, it could mean you’re equipped to handle this conversation with your partner.
Jealousy
The most important aspect of exploring different relationships is acknowledging jealousy from both you and your partner. There are many questions to ask yourself and ask within your relationship. These are explored further in Dr. Tammy’s new book, Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement.
What story are you telling yourself about your partner’s desires?
What are your core beliefs about your relationship and yourself? If you’re going to have an open relationship, you need to have a true values conversation to establish what’s most important.
Imagine the worst possible outcome for your relationship and share that with your partner. How could you resolve to live with that?
What do you need in your relationship to feel safe without controlling your partner? If you’re already operating out of a deficit of what you need, introducing a new type of relationship will not work.
What can you do to treat yourself like a valuable person?
“You need to feel like you have enough for you regardless of what’s overflowing for other people.”
Exploring all times of monogamy and relationship styles for you and your partner can only be done through open and honest communication.
To learn more about different relationship issues and sexual dysfunctions, check out our Sex Plus Symposium content.