Transgender Sexuality: Masturbation, Tools for Sex, and Sexual Partners
For trans men and women, sexuality can be a complex subject. As providers of transgender healthcare in Sioux Falls, our team is here to help you make sense of transgender sexuality — including questions you may have on masturbation, tools for sex, and sexual partners.
Masturbation
Masturbation is a healthy and vital part of a balanced sex life. Masturbation provides many benefits, ranging from stress relief to developing a good understanding of our bodies and how our sexual arousal and response function.
Many transgender people begin their transition within their minds through fantasy. Utilizing fantasy during sexual activity can create fulfilling sexual experiences for transgender people before, during and after transition. Fantasy allows one to live out their sexual expressiveness in a gender-affirming manner while providing relief from gender dysphoria.
There is no right way to masturbate, and many people masturbate in different ways and frequencies. This is especially important to recognize for transgender people who may masturbate in any way that feels good to them, regardless of the type of genitals they have. Masturbating with a partner can be very helpful for each person to learn how the other finds pleasure and what techniques lead to sexual satisfaction.
Tools for Sex
There are different reasons why tools can be used in sex. Tools can be used to improve or heighten sexual experience, increase comfort, facilitate orgasm, or affirm a gender presentation.
Lubricants
Lubricants are used by many people during sexual activities, but they may be particularly helpful to transgender people because taking testosterone may decrease vaginal lubrication in a trans man, and trans women who undergo a vaginoplasty do not produce their own lubrication. Also, the anus does not have sufficient lubrication for penetrative activities.
There are many different kinds of lubricants, and they can be purchased almost anywhere. Some differences in lubricants include:
Oil-based lubricants shouldn’t be used with condoms because they will break latex down.
Water-based lubricants are common and can be used with latex, but they may dry out easily.
Silicone-based lubricants can be used with latex and do not dry out as easily, but they do require soap to be washed off.
Pumping and Extenders
Genital pumps work by suction created through a clear cylinder that is placed on the genitals to fill them with blood. Pumps can be used on the genitals, nipples, or anus.
Some people find it pleasurable to have increased sensitivity and a tugging sensation produced by the pumps. In addition, erections are created, and size is increased for a short period of time with the increased blood flow. To prevent the blood from flowing back into the body, a cock ring can be used.
Some tips for successful pump use include:
Have a good seal between the pump and skin.
Be sexually aroused, and encourage blood flow to the area.
Shave to remove excess body hair to increase the seal.
Using a water-based lubricant to improve the seal.
Use the quick-release value any time it becomes uncomfortable.
Don’t pump too often or too long, or there is a possibility of creating decreased sensation or harming capillaries.
Use a pump that allows the tube to be removed and an extender to be placed over the cylinder to be used for penetration (these are used for both cis and trans men).
Sex Toys
Sex toys can be used by anyone. Not all stores that carry sex toys are trans friendly or useful. Some sex toy stores are geared towards servicing cisgendered men, while others are for cisgendered women.
Sex toy stores that accommodate men and women may not include merchandize for transgender or gender non-conforming individuals. Toy stores that identify as trans friendly, feminist, or queer may be the most welcoming and have the most useful products for transgender people.
Otherwise, the internet always carries a large selection of sex toys that are trans friendly.
Vibrators
Sex toys that vibrate are called vibrators, and they can have many uses.
For example, some vibrators can be used for vaginal penetration, while others may be designed specifically to reach the prostate through the anus. Other vibrators can be designed for external use on the genitals, perineum, or any other body part.
When a transgender person is experiencing gender dysphoria and doesn’t want to touch their genitals, a vibrator can be a useful way to have direct stimulation of the genitals without touching them.
Vibrators can gain power through the use of electric plug-ins, batteries or USB connections. It is important to test the intensity of the vibration prior to buying and using it on the genitals. Many vibrators that plug in are intense and are sold as “back massagers.”
Dildos, Strap-Ons, and Prosthetic Cocks
Sex toys that are shaped like a phallus are called dildos, and they can be used for masturbation or by a partner who holds it or wears a harness to strap it on. Dildos can be used for penetration or performing oral sex. Dildos are made in all shapes, sizes, textures, and colors.
Prosthetic cocks, also called “packers,” can be soft or hard and can be worn during the day or put on before sex. Some packers enable trans men to urinate, while others can be used for aesthetic reasons or the reduction of gender dysphoria.
Masturbation Sleeves
Masturbation sleeves are designed to be penetrated for a pleasurable sensation, and many have texture on the inside. The openings of the sleeves can have a plain opening or be shaped like a mouth, anus or genitals.
Sleeves can be made for a fully erect penis, or they also come in smaller sizes and can be used for small genitals. If someone is unable to be penetrated, placing a sleeve between the legs and letting the partner penetrate can be satisfying for both people.
It is important to understand what the sleeve is made out of and know how to wash and care for it to keep it sanitary.
Sexual Partners
Disclosure
It is important for transgender people who are looking for sexual partners to consider when and how they disclose that they are transgender.
Transgender people may consider it a matter of safety to disclose sooner than later when considering a new sexual partner, while others may seek to build trust in the relationship before disclosing being transgender. Some transgender people may never disclose being transgender if they have had, for example, breast augmentation and vaginoplasty.
How people have sex is not determined by what gender they are or what their sexual orientation is. The culture we live in educates most people in how and with whom to enjoy penetration, but that may not be consistent with individual preferences.
For many people, giving and receiving penetration is gender affirming, while for some transgender people, it can create gender dysphoria. There are many ways to have sex that is not limited to penetration — such as touch and massage, licking and sucking, and more.
Touch and Massage
Broadening what it means to be sexual includes using touch around different parts of the body for sexual stimulation. Many body parts can be eroticized, as erogenous zones are all over the body, from the earlobes to the feet.
Licking and Sucking
Many transgender people may find that oral sex can create more gender dysphoria, while others enjoy it and receive a lot of pleasure. Our mouths and tongues can be used to lick, suck, or penetrate someone with a variety of pressures, shapes, patterns, and movements.
It is important to talk with a partner about preferences and types of touch. Regardless of the kinds of genitals we have, there are many ways to be touched and pleasured.
There are many techniques for creating gender-affirming oral sex and genital touch. For example, for trans women who have not undergone gender affirmation surgery, a dental dam can be used to flatten the genitals to receive oral sex in a way that is gender affirming.
Analingus
Performing oral sex on the anus is called analingus or “rimming.” For transgender people, it may reduce gender dysphoria to perform oral sex on a part of the body that is not gender specific. It is important to practice safe sex during analingus as well as to properly clean the sphincter and perhaps use an enema.
Penetration
Both cis and transgender people have different-sized genitals, and penetration for all people depends on the size and firmness of those genitals. There are many kinds of sex acts that don’t involve penetration, but there are also many different types of sex acts and positions that can support penetration being possible.
Some transgender people enjoy penetration, while others do not. Hormone therapy can increase the size of the clitoris for a trans man, making penetration possible, while it can make penetration with erections for trans women impossible.
For those trans women who wish to engage in penetration, Viagra can be used. In addition, under the care of a doctor, trans women can skip an antiandrogen dose or alter their estrogen schedule to allow for a fuller erection.
Anal Penetration
It is important to use lubricant for anal sex, followed by relaxing the two anal sphincters. It is possible to control the outer layer of muscle but not the inner layer. It is important to be very careful with the inner anal sphincter ring. It is useful to start anal penetration using smaller toys, objects, and body parts to slowly learn how to relax the two anal sphincters.
Both trans women and cisgendered men have prostates located one to three inches on the side of the anus closest to the body, which can be stimulated anally.
Vaginal Penetration
Many trans men prefer to call the vagina their “front hole,” as it relieves gender dysphoria associated with a female term. A front hole can be removed as part of gender affirmation surgery if a trans man desires this. Some trans men enjoy front-hole penetration, and this can be more enjoyable for some, if it is not done in a heteronormative fashion (e.g. missionary-style intercourse).
The G-spot is located about one-third inside the vagina on the front side of the body and can be very pleasurable if stimulated.
Sex After Vaginoplasty
Vaginas that are constructed through a vaginoplasty are not able to produce their own lubrication, so it is important to use lubricant for penetrative activities. In addition, many vaginas created from a vaginoplasty are not able to have as deep of penetration, but vaginal dilation is very important postoperatively to achieve a vagina that can be penetrated.
The type of surgery performed also influences how the vagina will function. For example, after a vaginoplasty, there will be both a G-spot (which is made of the erectile tissue around the urethra) and a prostate, both of which can be stimulated inside the vagina. The skin inside the vagina will not have the flexibility that cisgendered vaginal tissue has, but ongoing dilation is helpful to achieve greater amounts of flexibility.
If excessive bleeding occurs after a vaginoplasty and penetrative activities, it is important to seek medical attention.
Muffing
Muffing is a term used to describe penetration of the inguinal canal. The inguinal canal is the passage from which the testicles descend from the abdomen. This is also the area that the testicles are pushed into when a trans woman “tucks.”
Nerves in the inguinal canal can be very sensitive, and it is important to move slowly and carefully to make sure penetration doesn’t cause pain or harm. Penetration through the inguinal canal is a way for trans women to be penetrated in the “front” prior to undergoing gender confirmation surgery.
Sounding
Sounding is done when an object is inserted into the urethra and is usually done with external genitals in both a flaccid or erect state. Due to the urethra being highly sensitive to infection, it is important to use smooth and sterile objects and lubricant.
There are stainless steel or hard plastic rods created for the purpose of sounding. Rods designed for this purpose can be small to begin and then become larger with practice. It is more dangerous for cisgendered and postoperative trans women to engage in sounding and is generally not recommended.
Understanding your body, defining it on your own terms, and expressing your sexuality in a way that works for you is what is most important. Healthy sex is about pleasure by yourself or with someone else. This is true for all bodies and all genders.
If you’re looking for transgender support, our therapists are here for you. We offer a trans/gender/diverse (TGD) psychotherapy support group as well as individual therapy.