“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced.”

— James Baldwin

When our clinic assigned time slots for our providers to write helpful practices for our community during the pandemic, this piece was supposed to be about anger.

Weeks have passed since my original intention to write about the angry feelings that were building within me as I watched ongoing political tensions during the pandemic. This then gave way to some sort of paralysis as I have been watching the protests and rioting unfold.

It appears that I was not alone in feeling anger in the world. The subsequent emotional numbness and cognitive dissonance I felt is a natural and common response to trying to assimilate new information and make sense of it.

I had just gotten what felt like somewhat of a handle on dealing with the impact of the pandemic, and then there was the killing of Mr. George Floyd.

I understand on some level the reasons why there are polarized communities.

I carry parts of multiple cultures as I have lived in different cultures throughout my life. I have family and friends who are part of polarized communities, and most people know how straining this can be on their personal relationships, just as it is for groups of people.

I carry my own legacy burdens of racism and white privilege. I remember at the age of 20 in university when a Native American man came to speak in one of my classes about cultural diversity, and I blazingly asked him: “Why don’t you just celebrate Easter like the rest of us? Why do you want different holidays?”

At that point in my life, I had grown up landlocked. I lived and worked and was educated within a 25-mile radius, never having been exposed to anyone different from myself. I look back now with what must have been such deeply developed spiritual compassion as he looked at me with gentleness, not a shred of defensiveness, and kindly said, “Yes, that is what many people think.”

I was perplexed by his answer at the time. It was a sort of collision of two different states of consciousness, although I had no ability to understand that at the time. It took years before I could understand why he responded that way.

Now I sit and feel many parts that carry those old beliefs and look at them as relics.

I also see those parts in members of my own family who never left home, and I feel as at odds with my family as I do those parts of myself that I thought I had outgrown.

I thought that after years of study, significant travel, friendship, and relationships with people from many world cultures, I had evolved to what I considered a “citizen of the world” mindset. Today, in the midst of the worldwide protests against systemic racism, I, like many others, have been forced to examine more deeply again the legacy burdens that have hung like an invisible veil through every view of my life as it has been ripped away by the grotesque reality of George Floyd’s murder.

As a psychotherapist practicing Internal Family Systems (IFS), I have been reflecting on how parts that are inclusive actually get developed. What about the parts in people that have yet to be born? How can I hold the space for others like the Native American man in my class held for me? Why do these different levels of consciousness exist in each of us at different times, and when they do, why do they separate and divide us?

I tried to avoid watching the video of George being murdered.

I heard about it and started to see some footage and immediately clicked to another page on my browser. I would read about it, but I did not want to see it.

Then, somehow, it found me again. This time, the video was a close-up of George with his face on the cement and the police officer grinding his knee onto the back of his neck, as George’s eyes slowly fell silent and the struggling ceased.

That image is now burned into my soul.

As a psychotherapist, I have developed some ability to be with human suffering without carrying it deep inside. It is necessary for survival in the profession. To sit with others’ pain, to walk through it, yet not take it as my own.

But now, this image — it hit something that has happened only a handful of times in my life. It made it all the way to become part of the permanent landscape of how I view the world.

There is no turning back now. And perhaps that is the point of the image being played again and again. No one can turn back now.

Though now 45, I feel like that 20-year-old young woman in class who just woke up. Again.

How can this be?

I feel shame, guilt, despair, and a deep sense of compassion for the lack of understanding between human beings to connect around our own humanity without even being aware that it is happening.

I have accepted for a long time the inequalities between human beings that don’t impact me personally. But this does feel personal because I am part of the problem. Even after all the diversity training, all the years spent developing professionally and spiritually, all the friends and family from different cultures and mixed race, I still have the parts that hold legacy burdens of white prejudice, discrimination, and racism.

Though I cannot solve racism alone, I can take action to make positive change.

Kimberly Keiser and Associates has committed to collaborating with Master’s in Counseling and Social Work programs at the University of South Dakota and South Dakota State University to provide one internship opportunity per year to a student of color.

It is our hope to contribute to the diversification and multicultural competence in the practice of psychotherapy in our region by helping to support the development of young clinicians to support their racially and culturally diverse communities. Good mental healthcare is at the foundation for healing, growth, health, and financial prosperity for underrepresented people.

We we stand in solidarity with anti-racists working to create a more just society. Legacy burdens that pass from generation to generation are not undone overnight. Awareness is the first step, but without action, insight is many times not useful. We are still learning and are committed to being active in the movement toward equality for all people and dismantling systems of oppression.

Everyone can do one thing. This is ours.

What is one thing can you do to end oppression? What one thing can you do to honor George Floyd’s memory?

If you are wrestling with anger, suffering, racial injustice, or any other personal or cultural issue, we are committed to listening, learning, and actively helping. Please reach out to us if you have any questions or concerns.