Before I was a psychotherapist, I was a patient.

Central to doing good work as a psychotherapist is understanding yourself. This includes everything from labeling and understanding your emotions, to being self-aware in general and in interpersonal interactions, to identifying cognitive distortions and the nature of your thoughts, and to learning what impacted your development and what life events contributed to your personality.

I’ve always held the belief, which has been true throughout my personal development and in tandem with my professional development as a psychotherapist, that you can only take a client as far as you’ve gone yourself.

Kimberly Keiser & Associates utilizes the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of psychotherapy to treat a broad array of mental health symptoms, specifically symptoms related to Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). While IFS introduces an effective technique to aid in the process of healing unwanted thought patterns, emotional dysregulation and problematic behavior, it also gives both the clinician and the patient a new way of looking at the mind, how personality is structured, and how one can ultimately help themselves. It places the therapist in the role of a guide, whereas in the vast majority of other psychotherapeutic approaches, the therapist is a central figure in the patient-therapist relationship.

In an effort to give therapists and providers a more personal look at IFS therapy, how it works, and how effective it can be, Kimberly Keiser will share recent excerpts from her own personal therapy with IFS to highlight how the process works from an experiential point of view of a patient. One psychotherapist at Kimberly Keiser & Associates who is currently completing IFS Level I Training through the IFS Institute, will provide psychoeducation as to what IFS therapists do in serving as a guide during the client process.

Kim:

I was going through a professional situation in which I was dealing with complex legal dynamics for a case, and I was under a tremendous amount of stress. As a business owner, I wear many hats, and this was a hat I wasn’t skilled at wearing. I found myself anxious, restless, unable to sleep, unsure, and feeling physically chilled most days.

As with most obstacles in life, I wanted to use this as an opportunity to learn to better manage my emotions in the face of challenge. I also sensed that I was triggered and this was linked to some part of my past, because my reaction seemed like more than typical anxiety.

Therapist interpretation:

In the IFS model, we look for recent activations or triggers in our lives and view these as an opportunity to explore a part that may be pulling the strings of our thoughts, emotions, and/or behaviors. We call these opportunities trailheads.

Trailheads are just that: a starting point. We do not know what we will necessarily find on the path, but at times, it can lead to more vulnerable parts that need our attention, care, and acceptance.

Kim:

I met with my IFS therapist virtually over Zoom. When we started the session, he asked me to close my eyes and start to focus on what was present.

Being familiar with IFS, I could tell him when I was in Self and that parts I noticed that were present were:

Scared
Feeling small
Feeling like a fish out of water
Overwhelmed
I don't know what I'm doing
Alone
Others have the upper hand

He asked me to go inside and focus on those parts.

Therapist:

The Self is our highest, wisest self and our deepest essence that is at the center of all of us.

When Dick Schwartz began experimenting with IFS 30 years ago, he noticed that when asking clients to separate from their parts, every one of them eventually got to this sense. When he asked them what part this was, they responded that it was not a part but something different. This sense became known as the Self.

The IFS institute provides these qualities of Self Energy to aid us in recognizing when this is present. These qualities are:

Curious
Calmness
Compassion
Clarity
Courage
Creativeness
Confidence
Connectedness

Most people are somewhat aware of their parts and will interact with them daily. However, we tend to speak from our parts when we are blended with them.

Think of lashing out, becoming defensive, stress eating, and isolating. These parts tend to take over in order to protect us from some kind of emotional pain, and when they deem mission accomplished, they will unblend and leave other parts to pick up the pieces.

Think about the shame part that comes in after lashing out, or the lonely part that is present when isolating. Through IFS, we work to focus on parts, but from the client’s Self Energy described above. By doing this, we are able to connect with parts, learn from them, and help them to step out of extreme roles.

An important component of this process is having a one-on-one conversation between the Self and the part. In order to do this, we may need to work with other parts first that are worried about this connection in some way. It is important that these parts’ concerns are honored, and we take as much time as needed to help these parts relax and allow the process of healing to continue.

Kim:

My therapist asked me to focus on a part that needed my attention. I located a part that felt like it didn’t know what it was doing, a part that was critical of that part and a part that was very sad. Then I got a major headache that seemed to shadow every other part and made it hard to focus.

My therapist asked me to ask that part to step aside so we could help the other parts, but it didn’t want to step aside. My therapist talked directly to that headache part in a loving way, and it agreed to step aside. I then checked in with that part, and I could feel myself in Self and noticing the part that felt like it didn’t know what it was doing.

Therapist:

In the IFS model, protective parts are split up between managers and firefighters.

Mangers are protectors that act preemptively to keep a person feeling secure by controlling people, events, and other parts. They carry a huge burden of responsibility for keeping life together, and fear that relinquishing control will lead to much worse outcomes. They protect from anything that leads to vulnerability, pain, or instability.

Firefighters, on the other hand, are protectors that spring into action whenever pain from other parts – especially the more wounded exiles – gets activated or threatens to overwhelm. Firefighters act powerfully and automatically to repress the emerging exiles, release pressure, and get out of danger fast.

As Kim described in her experience, it is important to interact with all parts in a kind and loving way, even when they are not the part we are primarily focused on. It can be hard at first to recognize the protection of, for example, a suicidal part, but in time and through the IFS process, all parts can share their intentions and work to step out of extreme roles.

Kim’s therapist also used a technique called Direct Access. This technique is used when the client is blended with a part and struggling to gain Self Energy. The Therapist’s Self will relate directly to the part just as the client would if they were in Self.

Kim:

My therapist asked me to focus on the part that didn’t know what it was doing and get to know it more. I had a flash of a young girl – me – when I was five years old. I was wearing a handmade blue sundress with white flowers and red dots. My mother made that dress for me, and that little girl was me.

I became very sad. I was crying very deeply, and it was hard to breathe. My therapist gently guided me to take deep breaths and let all that energy and all those emotions stay with that little girl so I could stay in Self and be there for her.

Therapist:

Exiles are parts that have been shut away for their own protection and/or to keep their emotions, memories, beliefs, and sensations from flooding the system. These parts have been rejected, devalued, marginalized, or traumatized, and hold the deepest scars from those events.

Exiles are young and childlike, often frozen in scenes in which they experienced injury, and are hiding out of self-protection. Because they are cut off internally, they are doubly abandoned and become desperate to be heard and cared for. Their presence leaves the person feeling exposed and vulnerable.

Allowing an exile to connect with us through Self and for that exile to feel comfortable and supported while they share their emotions is an important step toward healing in the IFS process.

Kim:

My therapist asked me how I felt towards that little girl. It took me a while as I continued to breathe before I felt like I could create enough space to see her and be with her. I then felt curious about why she was so sad.

My therapist asked me to ask her if I could get to know her better. She had her back towards me, but I waited lovingly. I asked her again if she wanted to talk to me and noticed she was sitting right by me. My therapist encouraged this. I felt happy to be with her, and she didn’t feel alone.

Therapist:

Creating a Self to part trusting relationship is a critical step on the path to healing in the IFS process.

When we are connecting with an exile, it is important to remember that this is a very vulnerable part that has been hidden away for, often, a very long time. This process can look different depending on the person and the part, but the core intent is the same: to build trust and connection.

Kim:

My therapist asked me to ask her if she could tell me why she felt so alone, sad and like a fish out of water. She showed me the first day of Kindergarten when she went to school for the first time.

(I had grown up on a farm and hadn’t attended any daycare or public education prior, and had been at home with my family on our family farm for the first five years of my life in an isolated rural community.)

My therapist asked me to ask her why that day was so hard. I started again crying quite heavily, tears came out of nowhere and lasted quite a while. My therapist encouraged me to let her tell her story. I said things like, I am alone, my mom is talking to the teacher. The other kids are playing, and no one is talking to me. I am scared and feel ugly with my dress. My mom isn’t with me. Why isn’t she with me? I am fumbling around with a toy with a wire and beads that move across it and I drop it under the table and feel like everyone sees me. I feel inadequate and scared. I cried a long time and was shivering.

Therapist:

Witnessing is an important step in the IFS process. During this step, the client’s Self will witness memories and the emotions that are tied to them. The goal is for the part to feel understood by the client’s Self.

Kim:

My therapist asked me to ask the little girl if there was anything else she wanted to say about that day and what she needed. I asked her, and she said I knew everything. She told me she wanted me to hold her hand and walk around the classroom.

I walked around the classroom with her, and we smiled and held hands. We pointed to things on the classroom walls, and she was happy. My therapist asked me what else she wanted to do in the classroom. I asked her, and she told me she wanted to go meet some of the other kids. We walked up to the other kids together, and I introduced her to the other kids, and then she started playing with them. They were smiling at her.

Therapist:

Oftentimes, our exiles become stuck in the past, and this step works to retrieve the part or to allow the part to re-do something from their past. During the step, the part may change what they need to move on, but sometimes the part needs the client’s Self Energy to provide them what they needed back then but never got. This can be a very fulfilling step!

Kim:

My therapist asked me if she wanted to leave that room and come somewhere with me where she never had to be there again. When I asked her, she said she wanted to be in the house I live in now and play with my little twin girls (who are five years old).

My therapist asked me to ask her what she wanted to do with all those feelings of fear, sadness, and loneliness. She told me she wanted to let them flow into the fireplace at my house along with that homemade dress. We (the little girl and I) took time while I breathed through any feelings remaining and let them flow into the fireplace with the dress.

My therapist asked the little girl what she wanted to do now, and she said she wanted to play dress up with my twin girls and try on all their dresses with them. She was okay to leave me and she went to go play with my girls.

Therapist:

In this section, Kim is experiencing the unburdening and integration steps to IFS. This can also be very different depending on the person and the part.

For Kim, her exile was carrying fear, sadness, and loneliness. Often, a client can sense these burdens in or around their body as we focus on them. In this step, the exile is ready to release the burden and did so through the element of fire.

We often release the burden to an element, but it can be anything that the part or exile desires. There is usually a shift of energy during an unburdening that can be emotional and even physical.

Kim:

After the girl left, my therapist asked me to come back into the present with him. I opened my eyes and somehow there was a shift.

In the days and weeks following, I simply didn’t experience feeling like a fish out of water in the legal case. I felt a sense of confidence and like what I didn’t understand I would figure out. Not having the answers didn’t feel like a personal defect anymore.

My therapist asked me to check in with the little girl every day after that session. I would check in with her, and I found that not only was she not alone, but neither was I when I was with her.

Begin Your Therapy Journey

IFS therapy works for everyone, regardless of what you’re going through. The team at Kimberly Keiser and Associates have seen it work, and they know it can transform lives.

If you’re interested in learning how IFS Therapy could help you, reach out to our team for more information. We can incorporate IFS into any of our Sioux Falls therapy services.

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